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What did the vegan ghost say?
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Bamboo.
What’s the codename of the vegan Vietnamese CIA operative?
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Agent Orange.
Why do vegans have the best internet connection?
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They’ve got fiber optics.
What did vegan biggie smalls say?
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Gimme the jute gimmie the fruit.
What beverage makes you complain about everything?
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What do you call a wise guy that loves beans?
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A legume-ba (goomba).
What computer did the pasta-loving Italian use?
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A Mac-a-roni.
What do you call a place where south asian vegans ride bulls?
What do you call a vegan Biggie Smalls?
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The nori-torious B.I.G. He loved the seaweed.
What do Indian vegan children sing when they’re paddling on the river ?
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Row row rotiboat (rowboat) gently down the stream.
What do you call a Canadian vegan?
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An eh-corn (acorn).
Why do vegans hate Abraham Lincoln?
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His first and last name make a pork sausage (Abraham Lincon).
Why was the Italian vegan so worried about the future?
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Because he couldn’t forget the past-a.
Why did security detain the vegan?
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In their pocket, they had lemon balm(bomb).
Why did the vegan walrus feel under the weather after eating a slice of bread?
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They had undiagnosed seal-(celiacs) disease.
How can you tell if a Korean is vegan just by looking at their last name?
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Is it kimchi?
Why was the vegan swimmer sent home from the Olympics in shame?
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They tested positive for seaweed.
What do you call a vegan from Ottawa with a basement full of preserved fruits and veggies?
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A can-uck (canuck).
What do vegan medical marijuana patients and minute rice have in common?
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They’re both dehydrated and baked in 5 minutes or less.
What do you call a vegan party with lots of rides and games?
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A cornival.
What’s the name of the new vegan band?
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Boys in Berry (Boysenberry).
What did the Italian skateboarder say at the skate park?
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I can’t go down the halfpipe but I cannoli (can ollie).
What’s the coolest vegan boy band?
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The sprout street boys, they’ll really grow on you.
What do you call it when two Italians sue each other then cry about it?
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A tiramisu.
What’s it called when vegans drink tea and hit a ball over a net?
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A Tennis matcha.
What does the vegan from Bangkok do every weekend?
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He takes his veggie pad Thai back to his Thai pad.
What did the aussie vegan say in the produce aisle when choosing what to purchase?
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Vegemite (veggie might).
What did the Jewish vegan say while making matzah during Passover?
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Holy crackers.
What did the vegan playboy say?
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I’ve got produce loads in different area codes.
How do vegans sneeze?
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Ah ah ah cashew.
Why was the out-of-state car pulled over in Texas by the pigs?
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They were DWV-driving while vegan.
How do Japanese vegans play soccer?
What’s the baking capital of Florida?
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Orlan-dough(Orlando).
Where do plant-based people go to gamble?
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Las vegan.
What do you call Italian vegans from Portland?
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Oregan-os.
What’s the vegan podiatrist’s favorite fruit?
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Toe-mato (tomato).
What do you call a cranky German vegan?
What’s the name of the vegan-only section of the neighborhood?
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Sesame street.
How do vegan skateboarders compliment each other?
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Bro, you’ve got huge grape nuts!
What do vegans sit on at the table?
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Chair-ies (cherries).
What do you call a fuzzy, round vegan from a southern USA state?
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A Georgia peach.
What did the vegan Mediterranean say when ordering his salad?
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I love oil (olive oil).
How do California vegans say hello?
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What’s soup brocc? (What’s up broccoli).
What did the vegan NY Italian American landlord say about his Japanese tenant in court?
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This gyoza here owes us a lotta money.
Where do vegans get together to eat?
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At the veggie table (vegetable).
Why did the vegan settle down?
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They were losing their leaves, it was time to put down roots.
What did the bread-loving vegan say in the morning?
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Carb-pe diem (carpe diem).
What did the vegan soldier use to blend into their environment?
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Chamomile-flage (camouflage).
What did the heartbroken vegan say when he caught his girlfriend cheating?
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She belongs to the community garden.
What do you call a spicy person from manilla?
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A Fila-peño.
What game do carb-loving German children like to play?
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Gluten tag.
What do you call the vegan ABC’s?
What do you call a tree that gives high fives?
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A palm tree.
What do you call a fight between a blended apple and orange?
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A juice box.
What did the lentil say to the carrot?
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“I’m full of protein and you’re mostly water. Do you even lift bro?“
Why was the avocado round but otherwise healthy?
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They’re full of fiber and the good types of fat.
The vegan brought their crush to a pancake house, why didn’t they get a second date?
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They were crepe-y.
Why was the corn farmer lost?
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He was in a maize.
Why does butter think its better than the other groceries?
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It has its own space in the fridge.
What do you call a vegan person who worships Jesus?
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A kale-tholic.
What did the Italian American baker say to the customer who showed up at closing time?
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You think we got focaccia at this time?! baguette about it.
What do you call something that’s forbidden to muslims?
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Taboo-leh.
What’s a mythological vegan animal?
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A uni-corn.
How did the Japanese vegan New Yorker answer the door?
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Wasa-bi.
Which bean are you most likely to see on the ski slopes?
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The snow pea.
What do you call a catholic mass at a church with an Indian majority?
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A masala.
Which vegan food doesn’t sound vegan?
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Tiger nuts.
What did the NY vegan say at the Vietnamese restaurant?
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Pho-get about it.
Why did the vegan take a sick day?
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They falafel (feel awful).
If Shakespeare were a vegan, what would be his most famous line?
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To bean, or not to bean.
What vegetable makes you twirl around and scratch yourself?
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Spinach.
What do you call a Boriqua vegan?
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A plant-to-rican.
What’s the breakfast loving vegan’s favorite band?
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Hall and oates.
What do you call a Greek vegan who works on people’s backs?
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A gyropractor.
Why was the Italian vegan locked out of his house?
Why can’t peeled garlic take a joke?
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It is too sensitive. It has no skin!
What did the shoestring fries say to the curly fries?
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Straighten yourself out!
Which Hollywood celebrity is named after a fruit?
Halle Berry.
Why does this starchy vegetable keep following me?
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Because it’s a corn stalk.
Why did the vegan baker lose the spelling bee?
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Because he spelt a word wrong.
Why did the teacher turn the apple into juice?
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It couldn’t concentrate.
What did the vegan Italian change his name to?
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He went from “Sal” to “Salad”.
What’s the vegan’s favorite ballet?
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The nutcracker.
Why did the vegan’s go to the pottery class in a state of meditation?
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To make a Buddha bowl.
What do you call a vegan who’s good with the ladies?
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Cassavanova.
Why did the teabag turn green after the tea was stirred?
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They had motion sickness.
If the singer Lou Bega became vegan, what would he change his name to?
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Rutabaga.
Why did the vegan call the plumber?
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Their pipes were full of leeks.🧅
What do you call a lawsuit between two Mexicans?
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A tortilla.
What vegan superhero lives in the ocean?
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Aquafaba man.
What did the vegan tire store owner say to his customer?
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The vegan tire store owner has an employee named Gus. He can’t spare a tire, but he can spare a Gus (asparagus).
What do vegans use to lubricate their motors?
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Olive oil.
What is a vegan’s favorite material to use for their home windows?
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Fiberglass.
Why did the toast think the butter was like COVID?
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Because it spread.
What’s the first thing a vegan hears in the morning?
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A bell pepper.
What did the baker say when they were in a rush?
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I’ve got a knead for speed.
What do a loaf of rye and whole wheat do when they get together?
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Break bread.
What did the grape say to the raisin?
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“Dude, drink more water.”
Which fruit is looking forward to the weekend?
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Bananas, because they’re in an ice cream sundae (Sunday).
What was the first plant-based satellite called?
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Spudnik 1.
Why was the pasta transferred to another plate?
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It was noodling around on the job.
Did you know blueberries have a secret identity and also fight crime?
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They’re a superfood.
What kitchen tool is similar to a carnival ride for vegetables?
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The salad spinner.
What do you call corn that listens to Taylor Swift?
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Popcorn.
Why do bakers get up so early?
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They knead to rise before the dough does.
What food did the construction workers use to support the ceiling on the new house?
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Walnuts.
Which veggie loves winter sports?
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A snow pea.
What forms of payment do they accept at the nut store?
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Cashew or charge.
What is the name of the ancient plant-based martial art?
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Tofu.
What do vegans do when they are down on their luck?
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They apply for lemonaid (lemonade).
Which bean gets beat up the most?
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The black-eyed bean.
How did the beans introduce themselves to the other veggies in the salad bowl?
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Soybean (I am bean).
What does a plant-based construction worker use to make sidewalks?
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Pomegranite (pomegranate).
Why is bread so sad and lonely?
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Because it always needs someone to knead it.
What do Hawaiian vegans use to predict the future?
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Taro (tarot) cards.
What food did the vegan interior designer use to hold up the roof?
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Walnuts.
What do you call a millionaire who made his money selling onions?
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A scallion-aire.
What did the vegan say when he was stuck in the traffic jam?
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Come on, man-go.
What did the Chinese chicken say?
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Bok, bok, bok, bok choooy.
Why was the vegan senior citizen chewing on his walking stick?
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Because it was a sugar-cane!
What did the captain of the vegan cruise line say before his ship crashed?
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Iceberg lettuce ahead!
How do vegan gardeners count to four?
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One, two, three, flower.
What’s it called when a large flying lizard is pulling a bag of bananas on the ground for miles?
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Draggin’ fruit (dragonfruit).
Why did the vegan bring bread when he went driving?
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In case he got stuck in a traffic jam.
What’s a dog’s favorite part of a tree?
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The bark.
What was the duck’s favorite snack?
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Peanut butter and quackers.
Why is the mushroom invited to so many parties?
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He’s a fun guy (fungi).
What’s an Italian vegan’s favorite vegetable?
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Escarole.
Why do vegan couples always get permission to get married?
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Because they cantaloupe.
Why was rye bread sent to prison?
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It started a rye-ot (riot).
Why did Jerry leave his job early at the soybean plant?
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It was tempeh-rary.
Why wasn’t the banana included in the fruit bar?
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Because they found him unappealing.
What do you call an old apple?
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A Granny Smith.
Why did the vegan need the Heimlich maneuver during his meal?
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He arti-choked.
What is the yearly wage for a vegan called?
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A celery.
Why was the beet given a record deal?
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They’re a beet boxer.
What did the vegan priest say to his congregation?
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Lettuce pray.
What do you call a girl that loves legumes?
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A chickpea.
Why was the salad sent home from school?
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It wasn’t dressed properly.
What is the name Tom short for?
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Tomato.
What do you call a person that has eaten a lot of beans?
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A human bean.
What do you call an American apple that did a semester of school in the Caribbean?
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A pineapple.
What is a firefighter’s favorite fruit?
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A watermelon.
Why did the berry turn red?
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It is shy and blushed because the tree watched it grow.
Why was the pitted olive off balance?
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He couldn’t find his center.
Why did the potato have to shower?
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It soiled itself.
What is the 9th month on the plant-based calendar?
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Cucumber.
What does the clementine want to be when they grow up?
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An orange.
Why did the fancy horse send back his meal to the kitchen?
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The oats weren’t steel cut.
What is the only egg a plant-based person can eat?
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An eggplant.
Why were the beans late to work at the salad bowl?
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They were stuck in a can.
What do you call an ape that loves apricots?
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An ape-ricot.
Why was the tomato so productive?
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It used the pomodoro technique.
What do you call a cucumber that loves the ocean?
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A sea cucumber.
Why didn’t the potato like sharing a plate with the vegan butter?
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It spread everywhere and made a mess.
What fruit do dragons love to eat?
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Dragon fruit.
Why did the ripe banana have an identity crisis?
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Because it was made into banana bread.